Grief… Those reactions that just keep coming on

A little humor to get you started
that muli-faceted response to loss,
to the threat of loss at times
is indeed an opportunist
One that creeps up on you when you least expect it to,
when you are out there having a great day,
when you believe you have your feet planted firmly
going about your day.
It is particularly that which hits you in all spheres of your life
when you lose someone or something that you love.
We often will use
will think of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross as she defined the five stages of grief,
now we are hearing from others who have defined more and different models
of grief.
They have given grief trajectoties, given categories of grief based upon the loss;
whether spouse, child, pet.
Whether grief was in the family of birth
family of choice
We continue to learn
from research, from science, from
those who study the complexity of grief
Workshops and seminars are now gaining popularity when categorized for professionals
“complicated grief and its implications”.
As professionals attend to hone in on their skills in working with the bereft.
Kubler-Ross and her five stages that were developed is now being “debunked” through science, and the research of many,
including George Bonanno…
His model shows that the vast number of people who have experienced a loss do not grieve, but are resilient. The logic in his study being that is there is no grief, there are no stages to pass through!
Notice how it was worded that there is no grief, there are no stages to “pass through”.
To me that is rather obvious
does not debunk Kubler-Ross
or her brilliance which was doubted in the last years of her life,
it speaks to the study of one researcher and those he researched!
I believe it also speaks to the western world thought
which I have spoken to many times before;
“linear thought”
a clear cut beginning, middle and end.
In my learning,
and I do believe that life is a series of continual learning;
I have had the honor to work with thousands of people throughout the lifespan.
Those who were well, and those who were dying, along with those who were grieving.
Both individuals, groups, communities.
Lay persons and Professionals included.
Grief, while no one truly likes to talk about it, the masses are walking with it.
Chronic sorrow seeps into a persons
nervous system, on a cellular level,
into the heart, the mind and the very souls
of people walking after loss or those who bare witness to loss on a daily basis.
We have now seen through research
that stress and anxiety
have a marked dimished affect on the brains, and stress is often secondary to the grief that is experienced by threat of or very real and complicated grief.
I often will shake my head in wonder
conferences, and workshops defining
“complicated grief”
as over the years, it is seldom that grief is not complicated for the one that is grieving.
The existence of “complicated grief” is a current debate in the field of loss and grief,
along with a hot topic in seminars and workshops for those working in the field.
We continue to work toward a diagnosis category for complicated grief in the
which will make a natural reapons a patology and will result in clinicians being paid by insurerers (maybe) when seeking counsel or therapy. However I believe these people with this diagnosis are normal, and will need to have validation that complicated grief is indeed a normal reaction to their pain of loss.
Grief is pain
it is pain that is felt in the one
who has lost,
in the ones that know of loss
in an intimate and most moving way.
It affects all within.
once that person seeks someone to travel the uncertain journey of grief,
they too will be affected deeply.
There will be times
that they (friend/confidant/therapist/spiritual advisor)
will take the stories on
and will need to stand, to find ways to move the story through their bodies and minds.
There is no “quick fix”
many triggers may be activated along the path, many times others will not understand.
It is not their journey,
it is the journey of the one grieving
no one will understand it fully.
The fall out?
It can be tremendous,
from a view on a hill you can watch it.
You can see it played out across the country,
at kitchen tables,
in conference rooms,
in workplaces.
Hidden agendas, folks that talk one way and act another, lies, deceit, and triggers that will become activated but too painful to deal with truthfully.
an opportunist.
And folks just don’t like to talk about it.
And to think,
many just want to be remembered,
many just want to talk about things,
are afraid of how they might be perceived
might be looked at
might wonder
are they safe
to tell it like it is.
Professionals and lay persons alike
some grieve the way things were
still wonder why,
some grieve the greatest love
still wonder when
some choose to remember
choose to embrace life
just need someone to walk along side them,
to guide
to mentor
to hand them a few things they forgot in the toolbox of remembering

video by

Walk In Beauty,
for speaking inquiries

10 comments on “Grief… Those reactions that just keep coming on

  1. Real superb information can be found on website.

  2. Thank you so much Sweet "A" for your kind words and understanding. We have both been down a tough road but we keep on going because we are strong and of good courage even though some days we don't feel like it. I am most grateful to have found this place and these friends who are so understanding. I look forward to the time that we will all be reunited with those we loved so much. I am grateful that I have my Faith in God that he keeps me strong and going. God Bless you and God Bless those who walk in our same footsteps and may we be a help to someone today and lift them up as we have been lifted up in times of sadness and sorrow. Sending hugs to you this day. /Sandy♥

  3. hellooooo.usually wouldn't comment twice in the same day but…first, so sorry to have missed Irene again, I am a bit out of sorts so I went to work late… BIG HUG for you !!Ater reading all comments, and thinking about this mostly the entire day… Sandy/fluff… wow, you have been steamrollered by sadness, I am so sorry for you and really can relate to you.. lost my Mom, may 2005,sounds as if we had the same scene, lost my longtime friend, 07/06,the same week my father in law passed. Then 07/07/07… Jaren was killed..most recently losing my Dad, mybest friend in the world…(and in between, being close to others who have been beaten up with loss… I am… S T O M P ….soooo TIRED of being SAD ! !so my friend, know we do understand how your heart must ache, sure wish I could take some of your pain away, even for a day…you continue to amaze me with your tender spirit and generousity to others.. often, the one thing that eases my sadness is to know I made the day a bit happier for someone..Thank you and bless you for sharing with us.. you will never be alone here and although we aren't always wallowing in our sorrows.. we all have that unfortunate common bond..I am very proud to know all of you , " warriors of gentle spirit"someday, we will all reunite with those we have lost, in the next place of time… and oh, how happy we will all be for eternity… and in the mean time I will continue,hugging my angels ♥ ♥ ♥sign me, A.

  4. Thank you so much Dr. Sherry for your words and message today on grief. I read it first thing this morning but just could not come up with words to say. I know most of us are here due to grief and loss in our lives and I hold each of you in my prayers. Irene, EE, "A" angel and others. You are a blessing to me each day to come here and feel among friends that understand and care. This was much needed for today and for this time. I want to share a bit with you about my life. You see, in a few days will be the one year anniversary of losing my precious Mother, Mary, to death from disease of age. It has been a most difficult year. Mom and I were best friends and the closer she got to the end the tighter our bond was and if that was possible! I never thought I could love her more. The loss has been great, the grief is painful some days and some minutes. Some days are easier than others. It was so much in so little time. I still grieve for my husband who died many years ago. The last years have been difficult. November 2007 I lost my Dad. June 2008 my dear brother was diagnosed with cancer and he died early 2009. My dearest best friend died from cancer November 2009. During this time my mom declined and after my brother's death it was very difficult for her. She continued to spiral down and more in hospital and nursing home than her home and was cared for by Hospice for the last 7 month. Mom died March 13, 2011. I was so grateful that when she took her last breath I was holding her hand. I often think of that moment that as she was holding my hand in life Jesus took her hand in death. So, now we try to live as normal as possible, get our lives back together but some days – those days! You just want to crawl in a corner and cover your head and be alone in the sorrow but life must go on. I love what "A" says about "Learning everyday to to continue coping" It is so true. I work in a high stress job and at times surrounded by death. Probably not the best job for me but it is what I do. I tell my boss that at times I am fine but the next minute I might not be and she understands. Yes "A", "It never goes very far way, and when the days are happy and bright, we cherish them wholeheartedly." So, I will quit babbling on tonight, just wanted to share with friends who understand as we walk in the same shoes and can support one another. Dr. Sherry, thank you and God Bless you for being here and providing such a place to share things of the heart and mind and know that we can because we care about each other and being here sincerely helps. Wishing each of you a peaceful sleep and God Bless /Sandy♥

  5. Grief, grief, what a heavy word it is. It lays in our hearts, body and mind for many years. Some of us never get over it. We want to go to counseling but again that is a sign WE think as a weakness. I am speaking of me, not anyone else. My doctor told me one time EVEN A PRECIOUS DIAMOND CAN BREAK. I know he was right as I tried to work thru my grief. I did come close to breaking, I saw the light and I had to think of the ones who needed me and I have worked thru the worst part. Each day the pain is not as heart wrenching as it was. Each holiday, birthday is a time of remembering and then saying if only I could see them one more time. One more time. Someday one more time will come. Million of tears later. A, hug your angels and you do help us hug our angels. Irene I know what you are saying. Dr. SES thank you for your up beat words of many solutions and the wisdom of each. Blessings to all.

  6. Greetings to all. Well, this is just EE's opinion but I think many work places and many people try to rush grief and not talk about it and pretend it is not there because they do not want to invest the time, money or emotional energy to be there for someone. It is sad. Grief and loss are huge and I think this is why we have so many angry in this world today is that they never were allowed to work through their grief be it for loss of home, job or someone they loved. Prayers to all.EE

  7. Oh, BTW:P.S. Hope you are feeling better Sherry

  8. Loved the opening statement about the glass " I drank it….."Strike TWO for me at the burger joint to see sign me A. She was not there yet, oh, well !Grief, what a huge sore spot for meI have a very hard time expressing and communicating everyday deep feelings and issues. Now add in powerful and raw loss of multiple loved ones and I really went into my crab shell corner. Still there, after more than 7 years.The brain is a wonderful organ. It can trick you, play with you, rule you, BUT, then add the heart break of death, so final, never to hear them, see them, touch them, blah blah blah. Just send me right over the edge. If not for Dr. SES and the many many group & personal hours, I do not know what my outcome would have been. It is on-going, level changing & intensity roller coaster ride. Nuff said, be well. Sign me disappointed that I keep missing "A" @ S&S.F I R M

  9. helloooooo.I am not sure where to begin with my comments.. grief is very real, an certainly the greatest of all forces to conquer.There may be many studies, mant scientific reasoners, many people who will try to understand the stages of grief..good luck to all !Grief is personal. It hurts, down deep in the soul, the pain does not follow a timeline, there are no markers to say "Your Grief is Complete"…some days, some months , some years are better than others..somedays , when you least expect it, you retreat to your safe bed, you cry a miliion tears again, you are exhausted and full of pain and life on those days are still an enormous struggle…your sense of secutrity faulters, self doubt consumes you..The griever hates to feel this pain… most keep it to themselves so they are not viewed as weak or needy..we cry in silence.It never goes very far way, and when the days are happy and bright, we cherish them wholeheartedly.Can't claim to be a scientist,only me, been there, done that. Learning everyday how to contiue coping… thanks for the food for thought. Sending love and best wishes to all…hugging my angels ♥ ♥sign me, A.

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