over the Anclote
Let me begin
by saying a very special
Happy 17th of April,
the day my best friend of life was born;
DLB, my kindred spirit and the finest person I’ve ever known…
and also the birthday of a dear friend
by the name of Dianne Gray,
who I just love and is a tremendous light in the world of Hospice and Healthcare Communication speakers bureau that I am honored to be working with these days!
Spectacular to me to know and love two such grand women that share the same birthin day! Fine Aries that walk with dignity, joy and sheer goodness they are!
I was celebrating DLB when we realized that I have known her 2/3 of her life!
I am blessed!
I’ve had some recent great talks about those who have anger and seem to be wrapped up in negativity and stuck in stories that just keep them “locked” if you know what I mean.
Stories or events that seem to trigger feelings of disappointment, concern but are often voiced as anger,
and I often wonder if it is fear that is masked behind the anger?
Seems many are angry these days, feeling disappointed in others, their dreams for self often unrealized or the dreams for others often not seeming to turn out the way hoped.
Anger seems to be like dying and death, most have not been taught appropriate ways to express it, to learn to deal with it.
It is often stuffed, squashed, or hidden, and then boils over like a pot unattended on a stove
or just explodes like the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back.
Remember those pressure cookers with the valve, that little silver thing that shakes and rumbles and makes noise to indicate that if you don’t let off a little steam at just the right time,
there will be one helluva mess
not worthy of eating?
Yep folks do have a way of not tending to that which matters
at the time it matters most it seems!
Untreated fear leads and truns into anger…
We folks are not in touch with fears or even when we don’t know we’re afraid,
or those who walk with a “bravado” seeming to be “all that and a bag of chips”
are often disguising fear with a “something to prove attitude”, and when questioned will defend to death their actions, or come back with “it is my right” or argue to the death of their thoughts or opinions while seldom listening to another,
leading to one big ole’ anger inter-change.
Communication takes on a new level,
at times seldom getting to the heart of the matter, or real intent of the intial conversation.
Those who never deal with the unsettling or cumulating anger, find bitterness and ultimately rage following them,
and that perhaps is the biggest tragedy of all.
Relationships weaken, or are ruined, people get stuck in negative and repeating loops of anger and ultimately anger feeds like cancer on a host…
Anger can be healthy, like a fire that burns it all clean and lets people start anew,
beginning fresh with open communications and love that heals all prior events, times and hurt.
But anger that is turned inward, swords that stay sharpened by the inability to talk openly and with love vs. fear
are dangerous and ultimately become toxic.
People are much more used to dealing with anger than they are to admitting to their fears.
It’s much easier to say to a loved one, a kid,
“I’m angry at or with you” than it is to say,
“I’m afraid for you, I’m afraid you will leave me and that I will miss you”.
It is so easy to be mad at what is going wrong than to admit
“I’m afraid that I’m not good enough, or loved enough that you would want to be with me or share your magical moments with me”.
It’s so easy to assume.
Many are so good at getting and showing our disappointment, as running the loops of
“I’m so angry, disappointed in ________,
because they _______________.
I’m angry they did not call, did not do, did not say, did not think, did not ask, did not think and so it goes….
We all could learn to step back from “I’m so”
to the moments of looking at self, and explore the fear that is behind all of that.
Perhaps then we can re-set the pathways in our brains and our heart.
“I’m angry because you are not there for me”
The fear that lives beneath that:
“when you are not there, I fear that you are leaving me, abandoning me and it hurts”
“I’m angry because you don’t call”
The fear that lives there? “I’m not important to you.”
“I’m angry that you didn’t do a good job”
The fear? “I’m afraid for you, your choices, your now and your future”. I’m afraid I won’t be able to make you ok, I’m fearful that I can’t be the one to make it all right and to make the pain you are goin to suffer go away”; I’m afraid because you don’t seem to be aware; I’m afraid of loss”.
The anger: “I’m angry because of what you said.”
The fear? “I’m afraid you do not love me anymore; I’m afraid that you do not care or need me.”
Are you feeling me here?
It is so easy to rub yourself raw in anger than it is to deal with fear but it sure doesn’t help solve the real issues at hand.
and it definately doesn’t help in the long run or assist those who have trouble with anger in the first place.
Yelling and arguing with someone will often make them like a bull in a china closet.
they will respond with “I talked til I was blue and they still walked away saying I listened but I know I was still right”!
Even those with valid fears can be made invalid with too much anger,
they can become ones who suck the very air out of another
being stuck in the same story so long that they become the story.
They become the “loop” needing someone to cut it for them, to remind them of the beauty that is around them
in order to move it along,
to not become the story that they have listened to, or been a part of no matter how long.
Surely life has more, many more moments and events to grab and hold onto.
It takes remarkable energy to hold anger in, yeat we all carry pain that darkens our souls, and weighs us down.
I will end today by saying this:
I hope that you will choose to embrace this moment,
and step through your fears,
to have courage to look in the mirror
and be the change you want to see in others.
I sure wouldn’t want to carry anger and torment to my grave, and to look back at a life lived by being stuck in a story
when there are so many moments of saying
oh where did that joy go that I missed?
If you are angy, look and see what is the “fear behind it”, own it, deal with it, let it burn clean.
SCREAM, holler, kick your feet, and move it through you.
and then, move on with LIFE and joyous moments.
no one, and I mean NO ONE enjoys being around an angry, bitter or joyless person.
So do what you need to do,
but take a look and find the fear behind the anger and deal with it NOW.
So there u go,
as for me here?
there is a birthday to celebrate!
There’s a celebration goin on
here and somewhere else I just bet!
We turn not older with years, but newer every day.
Be well friends,
Walk in Beauty,
- Positive Anger (celestealluvial.wordpress.com)
- Everything About Anger (bagoesmaulana.wordpress.com)
- Anger Is My Lullabye. (mybottleofemotions.wordpress.com)