10 Comments

Anger or Fear…


Sunset
over the Anclote
Let me begin
by saying a very special
Happy 17th of April,
the day my best friend of life was born;
Happy Birthday
DLB, my kindred spirit and the finest person I’ve ever known…
and also the birthday of a dear friend
by the name of Dianne Gray,
who I just love and is a tremendous light in the world of Hospice and Healthcare Communication speakers bureau that I am honored to be working with these days!
Spectacular to me to know and love two such grand women that share the same birthin day! Fine Aries that walk with dignity, joy and sheer goodness they are!
I was celebrating DLB when we realized that I have known her 2/3 of her life!
I am blessed!
I’ve had some recent great talks about those who have anger and seem to be wrapped up in negativity and stuck in stories that just keep them “locked” if you know what I mean.
Stories or events that seem to trigger feelings of disappointment, concern but are often voiced as anger,
and I often wonder if it is fear that is masked behind the anger?
Seems many are angry these days, feeling disappointed in others, their dreams for self often unrealized or the dreams for others often not seeming to turn out the way hoped.
Anger seems to be like dying and death, most have not been taught appropriate ways to express it, to learn to deal with it.
It is often stuffed, squashed, or hidden, and then boils over like a pot unattended on a stove
or just explodes like the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back.
Remember those pressure cookers with the valve, that little silver thing that shakes and rumbles and makes noise to indicate that if you don’t let off a little steam at just the right time,
there will be one helluva mess
not worthy of eating?
Yep folks do have a way of not tending to that which matters
at the time it matters most it seems!
Untreated fear leads and truns into anger…
We folks are not in touch with fears or even when we don’t know we’re afraid,
or those who walk with a “bravado” seeming to be “all that and a bag of chips”
are often disguising fear with a “something to prove attitude”, and when questioned will defend to death their actions, or come back with “it is my right” or argue to the death of their thoughts or opinions while seldom listening to another,
leading to one big ole’ anger inter-change.
Communication takes on a new level,
at times seldom getting to the heart of the matter, or real intent of the intial conversation.
Those who never deal with the unsettling or cumulating anger, find bitterness and ultimately rage following them,
and that perhaps is the biggest tragedy of all.
Relationships weaken, or are ruined, people get stuck in negative and repeating loops of anger and ultimately anger feeds like cancer on a host…
Anger can be healthy, like a fire that burns it all clean and lets people start anew,
beginning fresh with open communications and love that heals all prior events, times and hurt.
But anger that is turned inward, swords that stay sharpened by the inability to talk openly and with love vs. fear
are dangerous and ultimately become toxic.
People are much more used to dealing with anger than they are to admitting to their fears.
It’s much easier to say to a loved one, a kid,
a friend,
“I’m angry at or with you” than it is to say,
“I’m afraid for you, I’m afraid you will leave me and that I will miss you”.
It is so easy to be mad at what is going wrong than to admit
“I’m afraid that I’m not good enough, or loved enough that you would want to be with me or share your magical moments with me”.
It’s so easy to assume.
Many are so good at getting and showing our disappointment, as running the loops of
“I’m so angry, disappointed in ________,
because they _______________.
I’m angry they did not call, did not do, did not say, did not think, did not ask, did not think and so it goes….
We all could learn to step back from “I’m so”
to the moments of looking at self, and explore the fear that is behind all of that.
Perhaps then we can re-set the pathways in our brains and our heart.
On anger:
“I’m angry because you are not there for me”
The fear that lives beneath that:
“when you are not there, I fear that you are leaving me, abandoning me and it hurts”
“I’m angry because you don’t call”
The fear that lives there? “I’m not important to you.”
“I’m angry that you didn’t do a good job”
The fear? “I’m afraid for you, your choices, your now and your future”. I’m afraid I won’t be able to make you ok, I’m fearful that I can’t be the one to make it all right and to make the pain you are goin to suffer go away”; I’m afraid because you don’t seem to be aware; I’m afraid of loss”.
The anger: “I’m angry because of what you said.”
The fear? “I’m afraid you do not love me anymore; I’m afraid that you do not care or need me.”
Are you feeling me here?
It is so easy to rub yourself raw in anger than it is to deal with fear but it sure doesn’t help solve the real issues at hand.
and it definately doesn’t help in the long run or assist those who have trouble with anger in the first place.
Yelling and arguing with someone will often make them like a bull in a china closet.
they will respond with “I talked til I was blue and they still walked away saying I listened but I know I was still right”!
Even those with valid fears can be made invalid with too much anger,
they can become ones who suck the very air out of another
being stuck in the same story so long that they become the story.
They become the “loop” needing someone to cut it for them, to remind them of the beauty that is around them
in order to move it along,
to not become the story that they have listened to, or been a part of no matter how long.
Surely life has more, many more moments and events to grab and hold onto.
It takes remarkable energy to hold anger in, yeat we all carry pain that darkens our souls, and weighs us down.
I will end today by saying this:
I hope that you will choose to embrace this moment,
this day
and step through your fears,
to have courage to look in the mirror
and be the change you want to see in others.
I sure wouldn’t want to carry anger and torment to my grave, and to look back at a life lived by being stuck in a story
when there are so many moments of saying
oh where did that joy go that I missed?
If you are angy, look and see what is the “fear behind it”, own it, deal with it, let it burn clean.
SCREAM, holler, kick your feet, and move it through you.
and then, move on with LIFE and joyous moments.
no one, and I mean NO ONE enjoys being around an angry, bitter or joyless person.
So do what you need to do,
but take a look and find the fear behind the anger and deal with it NOW.
So there u go,
as for me here?
there is a birthday to celebrate!
There’s a celebration goin on
here and somewhere else I just bet!
We turn not older with years, but newer every day.
Emily Dickinson
Be well friends,
Walk in Beauty,
DRSES
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10 comments on “Anger or Fear…

  1. […] Anger or Fear… (drses.wordpress.com) […]

  2. Sherry this is a fabulous post. First let me say Happy Birthday to DLB and to your friend Dianne Gray and I hope their days were filled with love, laughter and loved ones.
    I love what you have said about anger and fear. I have believed a long time people shift to anger first even when it comes to sadness or grief.. ..because anger seems to be more universally accepted. Sad isn’t that. Communicating is a skill that is not taught and should be. I think your next book should be on the keys of communicating. Thanks for all you are and all you do Sherry.
    hugs friend

  3. Happy Birthday to DLB and to your friend Diane. What great days for them.And what a GREAT GREAT GREAT post on anger and fear. I have found many shift to anger to cover other emotions and you put it so well doc. Thank you.Hugs on the wind to all and special ones for DLB and your friend Diane. And as always hugs for you Doc and appreciation for all you do.EE

  4. FIRM… good to hear you are doing and just having the time of your life, getting all those snow birds on their way and some goodies to eat while you gather their keys!take best care and be well….maybe we can have a block party while they are gone and go from house to house and party, leave a trail ? hahahaDLB sends great flute sounds to your heart in thanks for the bday wishes!

  5. Well, let me start by saying:HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DLB, who will always be special to me. Hope you have a great day & year ahead. Friendships are hard to find, keep and remain on top for 2/3 of one's life, Dr. SES.The anger writing woke me up, jarred me into awareness and THEN !I read dear Fluffy's description of her dad. I was so sad to hear of of his inability to be more in touch with the happiness of life, it's rewards, gifts & overwhelming joys. You keep clowning around and make YOUR life as special as it seems to be. I am keeping busy, helping the snow birds close up their homes, drive them to the airport, take their unwanted leftover kitchen stuff and keep their keys for 6 months. BIG responsibility, but I can handle it. Peace out to all, Love, FIRM

  6. and to imagine FLUFF, all he witnessed, his anger perhaps had he gotten help to dig deeper and uncover the fears that were beneath, the fear of survivor guilt/shame/fear of the moments there, the fear of being enough to a wife, a child, a man who had goine through so much…masked by anger/rage/depression… yes, a duck who lets that stress stay beneath the surface is an image, but also not always good for the long haul though! we must shake our feathers, sometimes maintaining our cool, and paddle like hell to move it through us along the path! Be well dear one…blessings on the suns rays and hello to all in DMC! Michigan is the place to visit I'm thinkin!Dr Sherry

  7. Happy Tuesday Dr. Sherry and friends. Wishing the best of happy birthdays to your dear friends DLB and Dianne Gray. May you have a best birthday ever and enjoy celebrating your very special day. Whatever it is, make it the best one. Dr. Sherry, your words touched me today, as they do often, as I am reminded of my Father. Dad was a stubborn, depressed and angry man most of his life. I was told he was like that after coming home from the Korean war and it affected him the rest of his life. I was born 10 months after he returned so that is all I know from growing up with an chronicly angry parent. He never sought help for it and did not even allow to discuss seeking help. It saddens me knowing his life/our life could have been so much better had he gotten help for those issues. I vowed to never hold on to anger and sometimes it is hard but I have learned to let it go. I often tell people who are angry to "be like a duck" just let all that anger and frustration roll right off your back, like water off a duck, shake it off your tail feathers and keep on going on in life happy and quacking. Sure wish my Dad could have done that. I wish for you and all those who stop by here a wonderful day with sunshine and smiles and remember "be like a duck" Quack Quack ☺ LOL /Sandy♥

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